Still Here

I lost my kidney.
I won't go into great detail about it. In late March, I got sick. No appetite, weak, throwing up. The night of that great Kansas-Memphis NCAA final Karen dragged me to the emergency room. By the time I was in a bed in the ICU with a Foley catheter in me, I knew what was happening.
I spent two weeks in the hospital, including three nights in the ICU unit where they couldn't tell my girlfriend for sure if I'd make it out of there alive. My second night there was a hazy, nightmarish blur, where I thought I was being led through a door to Hell. By the third night, I was drifting in and out, almost not caring if I recovered. But by the time the Masters teed off on Thursday, I was upright, eating, back on dialysis and wondering just where the road led from here.
Where I've landed is here: 41, living with my girlfriend, growing herbs and flowers, working a new job that I really like. Back on dialysis, yes; back on that god damned diet, taking those pills, but alive. Alive and living. Hell, I'm even on a bowling team.
Everything isn't grand. Sometimes without warning the tears come; sick feelings of loss, desperation. Wondering where the years went. Knowing that 'someday' will probably never get here. What could have been.
I haven't tried as hard as I could. I've failed more than I've succeeded. I've disappointed more than I've inspired. But at this point in my life, I'm making the effort to do the right things. New challenges are ahead, and I'm looking forward to them. I'm very lucky to b alive, and I appreciate it, for the first time in a long time. So many are so much worse off than I, and I need to realize that. I need to dig for the strength that so many assure me that I have.
I could've died in April, but I didn't.
I need to be worthy of this life.