Let The Third Time Be A Charm

Hey to the six people who read this! Yes, yes I know you're saying Who the hell is he again? Oh, yeah, that foul mouthed guy who drinks a lot of Tuaca and is gay for Stallone. Well, you'd be right on one count.

I've been having a lot of e chats with my first ex-wife, Michele, and it's been kinda cool. First some background: Back in 1991, I took a solo road trip to Medford, OR (Go Black Tornado) to see my buddy Ron. Meeting me in Medford was his girlfriend, and her roommate. The roommate had thick, dark hair, a great smile and was wearing a ladies fedora and sunglasses. She asked, "You wanna drop off your stuff or come with us to get a beer?"

Needless to say, I had been kicked in the butt by love. I mean, full on, intense, I-can't-leave-in-two-days-I-just met-THIS-GIRL love. Lucky for me, the lady seemed kinda into me, too and six months later, the captain of the Tahoe Queen was leading us through the I do's.

Fifteen months later, I left and in November, 1995, a judge stamped his 'that's that' on some forms, and The Great Love Of My Life was gone. (Insert overwrought Love Story music here.)

Twelve years later, the lady has been though another marriage, as have I. The difference here is SHE'S GONNA DO IT AGAIN! AH HAH HAH HAH HAH! (Can you picture Sam Kinison right here? I sure can!)

Which brings me to my point.

In Bachelor Party (still Hanks' best movie; he can take the Oscars for Forrest Gump and Philadelphia and put them in his ass, for all I care), when Rick tells his boys he's getting married, Rudy extends his hand and says Look, Rick; I'd rather be dead, but if this is what you want.. That's how I feel about marriage. But Michele, boy.. this girl has always wanted that happy-ever-after thing. And, god love her, no one's rooting harder than me. See, I've had some downers, made some mistakes. Both parents died, divorces, organ transpant, they cancelled The White Shadow. We're talking some tragic shit. But no regret in my life has ever come close to not making it work with Michele. She is the greatest person I've ever known. If I believed in God, and the jury is still out on that one, she would be my evidence. He put her here for me. And, brother, I fucked that up as hard as I possibly could. I strapped on Captain Cock's Caveman Clobbercock dildo and screwed it like a 17 year old kid on prom nite.

And she never told me she hated me. Never threatened to call the cops for the late night drunken calls that woke up finacee number two. (In fact, fiancee number two and I were friends. Ah, the incentous world of early 90's Medford radio!) Sent me a plant in the hospital when they told me my kidneys had failed. Just sent me some old photos she thought I'd like to have. (see above) And now, finally, she's gonna get that tacky wedding in Vegas she's always wanted. I'll be rooting like hell for you, baby.

You've got my address if you wanna send an invite.